I like to keep things light and fresh on this little blog you see here on your computer screen. I like to talk about pretty things and what’s going on in our house and fun projects I’m doing or my blogging friends are doing. But sometimes it feels so disingenuous to talk about pretty nothingness when important things are going on in real life. That’s why I love the Things I’m Afraid to Tell You series. This series was started by Jess Constable, accidentally, with this post. Fellow bloggers loved her honesty so much they came together to write about the things they’re afraid to tell, in the perfect-land of the blogosphere. Jess writes more about the movement here. Even the Huffington Post and Oprah took notice. And that, folks, is a pretty big deal.
So, I’ve wondered about writing my own list. What would I write? I tried a list format and it didn’t feel right, so I just started writing…
I love my husband. We’re still in newlywed years (I think almost three years still counts!) Our first few years of marriage have been hard, buying a house, job changes, grad school, being away from my family, etc. I worry that we’ve missed out on some elusive happy-go-lucky-all-you-need-is-love newlywed years. I wanted to see the world through rose-colored glasses as a newlywed and that didn’t happen. In fact, it was the opposite. (Actually, maybe I did for the first three months, then when we bought a house and got a dog, the glasses came off haha. I love our house and love our dog so much.) I worry that we didn’t do something right.
Are we where we’re supposed to be? Is this the right place to live? The right area of the city? Are we pursuing the right careers? Are we loving each other well? Are we loving our friends well?
My husband, Allen, is in grad school, I work at a non, profit. Allen paused grad school to start a great job in January. By April, he knew the job wasn’t for him and he quit. He wanted to finish grad school. I wanted him to finish grad school. But it was hard. It was really, really hard. I felt like everything we did was screwed up – like we couldn’t do anything right. I took a little spring break from the blog. I called it “family happenings” – but I was devastated that our life didn’t look like I wanted it to look.
(Comic relief, sort of: I felt like this.)
Then I worry that life is only going to get harder. That we will look back with hindsight and realize that these actually were carefree years, compared to what we’ll be facing in the future. That means that life is going to get harder. And that is scary.
Have you read this NY Times article on making friends in real life? It really struck a nerve with me, as it did many people. Making friends in real life, post college is hard. Especially here, I think. Atlanta is a big city with an individualistic culture, as far as I can tell. For two years, I lived 45 minutes away from a dear friend. I couldn’t see her as often as I would have liked. We have grown apart. It happens. My very best friend lives four hours away. It happens. My family lives four hours away. It happens. The number of good friends we have in close proximity, I could count on one hand. It happens.
But, the truth is that I have a wonderful husband who loves me. And I love him dearly. We have great family and dear friends around us. The rest will fall into place. But I suppose I’ll never stop wondering. Are we doing it right?